Our Anniversary
September 3rd was supposed to be a day that would always be a great day. September 3rd 2015 was the best day of my life, no question about it. Standing in front of our family, friends, and God, we vowed to love and cherish one another, until death do us part. I had no idea how true those words would be, but also how quickly the last part would ring true.
This first anniversary without Trey has been hard for so many reasons. We loved to travel so much and we specifically planned our wedding date to fall on a holiday weekend to ensure that we could easily take anniversary trips, which we definitely took advantage of during our years we had together. Having a holiday weekend looming without Trey is always hard, but one with so much meaning is impossibly difficult to face; thankfully I have amazing family so that I didn't have to face this weekend alone, and instead was able to spend a weekend full of love and laughter with my sister and cousins. I know this is what he would have wanted, living life to the fullest as he did.
This first anniversary was also hard because it showed me just how far I still have to go in my healing process. I thought I was doing really well - I've been keeping myself busy, setting goals and working towards them, traveling, spending time with friends, reading, slowly finding more space between the tears. However, today felt like my heart had been ripped out all over again, like I am missing an appendage that won't grow back. It felt like everywhere I looked I saw happy couples moving through life and I felt so alone. I feel so alone. I miss my best friend so much today. Standing at that altar 3 years ago, I felt on top of the world. We had endless possibilities ahead of us for our lives; WE HAD SO MUCH TIME. Even just last year, sitting in Tulum to celebrate our anniversary, I remember thinking about all of the anniversaries we had to celebrate ahead of us and what the year ahead had in store. But we didn't just have anniversaries ahead of us; we had birthdays, Christmases, new jobs, new homes, children, retirement. I still have all of these things ahead of me, I just have them alone now. And the fact that this thought terrifies me caught me off guard, 4 months since Trey's been gone and I've been learning a new normal every day. And that's when I realized that for all the progress I've made, I still have a long way to go.
But I can do this, one day at a time, focusing on the present, and not looking too far into the future. Time is fleeting and Trey's death has been a stark reminder of just how ephemeral and short life can be and how important it is to live in the present and never take one single second, minute, or day, for granted. Planning into the future is something we all do because it gives us all a false sense of control, when in reality we can only control so much, we can only decide the right now, and living in the future just robs us of our ability to enjoy the present and fully live in it. I feel so lucky that we took advantage of what little time we did have together to the fullest, experiencing so much and having so many new experiences together. We lived in five and a half years together what many people don't get to do in a lifetime, so it's hard to have too many regrets.
Even though today has been almost unbearably hard, I wouldn't trade having had the experience of it or our time together for anything in the world. On our anniversary, thank you Trey for your unconditional love and helping me to be a kinder, more empathetic and loving person. I hope that one day I heal enough to once again find this day as joyful as it was on September 3, 2015. I love you.
