The Waves
Today marks 3 months since I found out Trey was gone and my life was changed.
3 months after I met Trey, I knew I could not live without him; 3 months without him and I know that I can live without him, but it has not been easy nor something I would ever choose. These past 3 months have been filled with emotions that have been overwhelming and exhausting and piercing and shocking. Many people compare the feelings that come with grief to waves, and as I sat on the beach last week, watching the waves crash unpredictably, I couldn't help but compare this colliding and crashing and the unexpected wave that chases you all the way into shore to the feelings from grief; the feelings that come up out of nowhere, overflowing and engulfing you just mere minutes after you are driving along, listening to the radio.
And, just as it is exhausting to have to continuously run in the sand to escape the waves or fight against them to keep them from carrying you out to sea, you will be completely exhausted if you try to fight the waves of emotion that overtake you throughout the day. Instead, just like you ride the waves, leaning into the emotions is the best way for you to process the emotions. This means that you may find yourself sobbing in the supermarket aisle for no reason. Or laughing maniacally at something completely inappropriate that you all of a sudden find hilarious. But, then other times you'll go a whole day feeling kind of ok. This inconsistency is almost what is worse than anything, this never knowing how to prepare yourself for what may be coming, always keeping yourself slightly on edge. It is completely exhausting, this up and down, wild ride. I find myself so tired at night, barely able to keep my eyes open, but then unable to sleep. Another wave crashing down on me, this time full of memories and a mind that won't shut off.
It's ironic to me that this tumultuous feeling of the waves is also a place where I can find peace and calmness. I could sit for hours watching the waves come in and out, back and forth. Over the past few months, one of the places where I have found the most solace is in the water, whether it be rolling in the waves at the ocean, cruising along the lake in a boat, or even counting my breath swimming laps in the pool. The calmness and quiet of the water, the way it allows your body to take on a sense of weightlessness and become one with the water, it literally allows me to feel the weight lifted from my shoulders.
So, if you're wondering where you can find me in my free time anytime soon, just look for the nearest body of water. I'll continue to heal one day at a time, letting the waves wash over me, and letting the weight lift from me, if even momentarily.
