Birth Day

You were supposed to be here.  This was supposed to be a joyous occasion - ok, maybe with a little ribbing about how you were going over the hill - but we were coming together to celebrate your life.  I was going to surprise you by having some of our closest loved ones join us because you had told me many times that you didn't want to make a big deal out of this birthday.  No big parties to celebrate turning 40.

Instead, those same friends are joining me today as I carry a piece of you with us as I attempt to honor your sense of wanderlust and adventure and lay a piece of you to rest on the sea.  You loved being out on the sea - found it so calming - so I feel it is only right to honor this day of your birth with a sailing trip, good food, a bottle of great champagne, and a piece of you left in the waves.

I don't know exactly what you wanted beyond cremation, and I'm lucky an NPR segment a few weeks before your death spurred the conversation so that at least I had certainty in that decision.  We were too young to have had to worry about these things.  These are things couples in their 60s talk about.  You were supposed to be here.

There is no playbook for this, no plan for how to celebrate birthdays without your loved one, so I'm making it up as I go, trying to incorporate all of the things you loved so much on this earth.  There's also no playbook for the appropriate way to honor your loved one, especially when they haven't told you what they want.  So I'm making my own playbook, honoring your spirit of wanderlust and love of travel, to spread you around the world over the next year in places that were special to us with people you loved and who love you dearly.

And today, on your birthday, I want you to know that so many people loved you so deeply and miss you so much, not just me.  I have been left with a gaping hole that I am working hard to repair and fill, but I have to remind myself that I am not the only one you touched.  I am not the only one for whom your kindness and wit and unconditional love and friendship made a lasting impact.  We all continue to mourn and grieve your loss in our own ways.  

You were always so humble and self-deprecating in life, so I know that you would be embarrassed to see this, but it is true; you changed many people for the better, and because of that, your legacy will live on.  That is the gift you bestowed on us on your birthday, and the gift I will give you on your birthday is continuing to honor your memory by spreading loving kindness to everyone I touch.  I love you.