38...

This past weekend, I celebrated the 38th anniversary of my birth.  When looking at the average life expectancy of an American, this means that I'm almost halfway through my life; however, recent life experiences have taught me that averages are just that, and somehow life feels much more urgent than it ever did before. 

I don't feel 38 - I'm not sure what 38 is supposed to feel like - both because I feel far too young to be 38, and far too old, all at the same time.  I remember my 37th birthday as if it was yesterday, Trey and I escaping to Park City at the last minute because we weren't sure if we would have a child placed yet or not.  We had the mountain almost to ourselves, got stuck on a ski left, and talked about how excited and scared we were about the imminent approach of parenthood.  Trey also got sick on that trip, wiped out skiing (which was totally unlike him), and was frequently out of breath; I wish I had recognized at the time that something may have been wrong.  Regardless, I am so grateful to have gotten the time with him, our last getaway together and our last time we had completely focused on each other.  While I recognized that gift for what it was at the time, given the circumstances I now find myself in, that birthday weekend and our time together is a gift that now holds so much more meaning, and is something I will always cherish.

Sometimes it feels hard to believe that it has only been one journey around the sun since that trip with Trey; at the same time, I feel like the amount of growth I have felt over the past year has been more than one year's worth, but such is accelerated growth from trauma.  Last year at this time I was working through the anticipatory anxiety and struggling with the lack of control the fostering process was forcing me to confront.  These are feelings that I've continued to work through over the past year, they've just shifted focus slightly to align around lack of control of life and anxiety of, well everything, really.  Losing someone you love and with whom you've built your entire future certainly throws you off balance and teaches you that even the best laid plans are meant to be spoiled. As hard as you may try to plan for the future, ultimately you are only able to control so much, and at some point you will have to just learn to roll with the punches, whatever they may be.  

I certainly didn't think I'd be "starting over" at 38, but life is funny and unpredictable. Luckily, I'm not even halfway done with this crazy thing we call life, so here we go.  Trey always lived life to the fullest and with no regrets, and although I know you're not supposed to share your birthday wishes, my wish is that I can find a way to get out of my head and out of my own way to do the same.  I want to push myself beyond my comfort zone, take some (calculated) risks, and know that when I die I've lived a life worth living. I refuse to let fear rule my life or my decision-making, instead allowing love, openness, and life to be my guiding light.