Connection

Sorry it's been a few weeks. I've needed some time to myself to regroup.  Remember how I said hope can be a dangerous thing?  Well, it got my spirits up, and then: nothing.  

Two weeks later, and still no word.  I think everyone processes anxiety differently, and for me, it is definitely to close off from people, to put up walls, as my friend Britni so eloquently put it, "put on my daily uniform, my shield of armor and protection from the world around me".  

The propensity to make strong emotional bonds to particular individuals (is) a basic component of human nature. - John Bowlby

A few weeks ago, Trey and I attended a training called "Empowered to Connect".  It's main theme and teachings were on connection as a means to best parent children of trauma; at our core as humans we are a connecting society of social creatures.  As John Bowlby stated, "The propensity to make strong emotional bonds to particular individuals (is) a basic component of human nature."  Psychologist Susan Pinker refers to a study in her TED talk (below) that showed that the top predictors to longevity were not exercise, eating well, or quitting smoking, but close relationships and social integration.  (sorry for the spoiler alert)

So, if that were true, why was everything in my core choosing "flight" in this time of uncertainty?  Why wasn't I reaching out to those around me who cared about me and whom I cared about?  Why did I want nothing more than to get lost anonymously in a yoga class, or on my bike, or in the lives of the characters in my books?  I've never been one to run from my problems, and always addressed any issues head-on, so why was this hitting me so hard and turning me into a recluse?

I think a big part of it is control, or lack thereof.  As I've written about in the past, I may have a slight control issue (just ask Trey).  Every other time I've hit a roadblock in my life or a difficult patch, I controlled the outcome.  I was the one ultimately responsible for changing my situation, and in this case, I feel completely helpless.   

But, I'm not helpless and I DO have complete control over my feelings and my self-care.  And, as the training so eloquently pointed out and reminded me, our kids learn by watching us, not by being told what to do.  And that means I have to start being the person, everyday, that I would want my kids to watch.  We have to model the behavior we want from our kids, including healthy relationships and healing.  I need to continue to work on myself and my inability to deal with situations I can't control and things I believe may not always be fair.  Working through our own issues builds connection and promotes healing, and this is even more important when working with kids from traumatic backgrounds who will have their own issues they will need support in working through.

So, this past week I started reconnecting.  I spent time catching up with (LOTS) of friends that I had been pushing off and making excuses with.  I spent time with my cousin who was in town and even made connections with some of her friends.  I spent great, quality time with Trey.  And you know what; it felt great.  It got me out in the beautiful sunshine, I was able to focus on the amazing things going on in my loved ones' lives, and even just have some silly, carefree fun.  We really are social creatures.  

I also realized that this is something that I need to actively commit to if I'm going to be happy, but it's also something I'll need to be doing to effectively connect with our child.  And connection will be the first step in building a lasting, healthy, trusting relationship.  It doesn't mean I need to be out every night of the week; but taking a walk with a good friend or grabbing coffee is always going to be a good decision.  

Sometimes a step back can be the best step forward

As we begin May, National Foster Care Month, I am going to commit to working on connecting.  Connecting with the people around me whom I can physically see and spend time with.  Connecting with friends and family who may not live so close but whom I still love and care about and need to be better about keeping up with.  Connecting with Trey on a daily basis in a meaningful way to ensure that our relationship never becomes merely transactional.  Connecting with myself to overcome some of my issues and reluctance with uncertainty and things outside of my control.  And, connecting with God, so that I may be able to have greater trust in the situation and the plans for our family that are so far out of our control.  Sometimes a step back can be the best step forward, and I definitely feel like I'm moving forward now.