Guilt

Warning:  this is an extremely personal post that may not make sense to everyone. 

Wow, this is so much harder than I expected.  I mean, I wasn't completely naive coming into the process; I knew it was going to be difficult, and I knew my heart was going to be broken a million times.  We even reached out and proactively started working with a spiritual psychologist a few months ago so that we would have the tools at the ready, and a relationship with someone, for when things got really hard.  But, I guess I just never expected it to be this hard before even getting our child.  And, if it's this hard now, am I strong enough to handle what will be thrown our way when we get our child?

At this point you may be wondering, "what's so hard?", "what is Alania complaining about, she doesn't even have a kid", or maybe even, "well, you're doing this to yourself"; these are all things I've asked/said to myself a million times over the past few weeks, and I'll try best as I can to articulate what has been so much harder than I expected.  I am a logical person - if you know me in real life, you know that I tend to argue logic over emotion - and use my head over my heart when making decisions 99% of the time.  However, I also tend to be a bit of an idealist - which you also know if you know me in real life - which is where my emotional side comes in.  I always want and think everything should work out fairly and justly, not actually how it does in our world.  

So, with that being said, as someone used to making decisions with my head, not my heart, I did not expect the overwhelming, enormous, and all-consuming emotion that I have had everyday since we were officially "available": GUILT.  So far, we have received 9 emails containing twenty beautiful, innocent, vibrant children.  Of those, we have submitted our home study for five of those kids.  Logically, I know that we cannot take in and raise twenty children.  Using my head, I understand that there are very good reasons that we declined submitting our home study for the other fifteen.  Realistically, I get that the entire reason Trey and I set boundaries and limitations regarding age, number of children, and needs before we ever started this process was because we knew what we were comfortable with and that it would be easier to do it before and stick to it, rather than when you're looking at the picture of a child.  But, it's one thing to know these things, and it's another to look at these beautiful, innocent children and want nothing more than provide them a safe place for them to be able to actually have a childhood.  

I'm also realizing how lucky I was to be born where I was to the parents I was born into; luck, that's all it was.  I could have been the child of an addict, or my father could have been sent to Vietnam and come back with PTSD that he took out on our family.  I could have been born a different color, where I would have been twice as likely to end up in child protective services if I were black/African-American than white.  A bunch of dumb luck gave me a wonderful childhood, amazing parents, a family that is full of laughs, and a limitless future.  So I guess my idealist is crashing back to earth with a good dose of just how unfair the world is, and I'm not going to be able to save everyone.

We got an email last Wednesday telling us that there were 5 beautiful children who were being pulled from their home because their grandmother, whose custody they had been in since birth because their mother was a drug addict, was testing positive for drugs, and we had 10 minutes to make a decision that will alter your life and these children's lives forever.  You have minutes to decide whether these are the right children to complete your family, forever; whether you are ready; whether you can handle it.  And then, when you decide that, no, 5 children of considerable legal risk were not within the parameters we set when we were using our head and unemotional and able to make rational decisions, that is when you start to wonder where the children will go.  Will they be placed in an emergency shelter?  Will they be sleeping in their case worker's office, as an all-time high of 85 children/month did in Texas in May of 2017 when CPS was underfunded in Texas?  This is when the real guilt sets in, knowing that you have two queen-sized beds just sitting empty while these kids are sleeping God knows where.

Trey tells me it's not my fault, not our fault, that we can't save them all, and logically I know this.  Friends tell me that it's crazy to feel this way because we're already going to be helping so much.  But I can't escape this overwhelming feeling of guilt.  Once you've seen their faces and read their stories it's hard not to become attached and want to do something, anything, to protect them and give them the chance to just be a kid.  

Our psychologist describes an internal and external self, and I feel that right now my internal and external selves are battling with one another.  My external self knows that we are doing what is best for us and our future child by staying strong and keeping to what we originally set, because that will set us all up for success.  But my inner self, my emotional self, continues to wrestle with this decision.  This is the self that I will have to come to terms with and make peace with because this problem is bigger then me and Trey.

I know that Trey and I alone cannot solve the chronic problem of child abuse and neglect, and fix the systemic issues in our society that cause an endless cycle of poverty, abuse, and addiction for so many.  That does not mean that I will stop trying, though.  I will continue to fight for more humane and sane welfare and healthcare policies that will help families that are barely making it stay afloat.  I will fight for greater women's rights, including stricter domestic abuse/violence laws and stricter gun laws for people with a history of domestic abuse.  I will continue to fight for more resources for substance abuse prevention and rehabilitation, NOT the failed system of criminalization.  And, I will continue to fight for access to a strong and fair educational system for ALL, because with an education at least you may stand some chance of overcoming all of the other hurdles life has thrown your way to rise above your station. 

This continued fight is also why I'm asking that for my birthday this year, March 31st, you consider donating to SAFE , the organization that Trey and I are working with for our foster placement, but also does so much more to serve our children aside from just foster placement.  I appreciate all of your love, prayers, and support as we continue waiting for our child, and I continue to work to find the strength inside to make sense of what seems senseless.  We continue to anxiously await word on 4 of the 5 children we have submitted for so far - sisters aged 4 years and 10 months and a sister (3years) and brother (18 months) - and appreciate all of the good vibes and prayers you are sending into the universe for us on this journey.