Forgiveness

2 months have passed since my life changed in a way I did not know possible.  To be precise, 9 weeks have passed since Trey died and since I last saw him, but it has been two months and 1 day since I found out that he was gone, found out that my worst fears were confirmed, and my life was changed; I have changed.  In these 2 months, not surprisingly, my mind has been all over the place, and I have done a lot of thinking. One thing that I have thought a lot about is “forgiveness” - what forgiveness is, what role it plays in the healing process, and who I need to forgive in order to heal.

Forgiveness is described as “the action or process of forgiving or being forgiven.” Ok, but what does that really mean?  To me, it means to give up all anger, all resentment, and all bitterness against those whom I believe have wronged me.  And this is not easy when your loved one is suddenly taken from you in what seems a completely senseless act; of course you are going to feel angry, as anger is a normal part of the grieving process.  However, I do not think I was an angry, bitter person before Trey’s death, so I certainly don’t want to be one after, and therefore I must find a way to forgive. Forgiveness, to me, does not mean that you will never be angry again, as I do not believe that is realistic. But it does mean finding compassionate understanding and love towards those you feel wronged by.

So what role does forgiveness play in the healing process?  For me, aside from allowing me to move through and process my anger, it has allowed me to work through some very complicated feelings in an attempt to find forgiveness.  If I just wanted to wallow in my sadness or stew in my anger, I could very easily do that, but that would not force me to confront and work through my feelings.  And working through my feelings in an effort to find forgiveness has been part of the healing process - it's not easy, trust me, but it's a necessary step to move forward. I also know that finding forgiveness is good for me and my healing because I’ve been told so by multiple people - my grief counselor, my priest, books I’ve read.  I’m not just making this stuff up, I’m relying on experts.

You may be wondering, who am I so mad at?  Who am I working to forgive? Well, myself for starters.  Aside from the normal “survivor’s guilt” that exists whenever someone in a relationship dies and someone remains, I blamed myself at first for so many things.  If only I worked a less demanding job that didn’t require me to travel, I would’ve been home that night and could’ve called the paramedics. If only I had noticed certain signs.  But, it is not my fault. I need to repeat that. Trey’s death IS NOT MY FAULT. I could not have lived my life any differently, or I wouldn’t have been the person he loved so much, and I wouldn’t have been true to myself.  And, it’s completely futile to second-guess every moment of every day because nothing will bring your love back, anyways. I have to remind myself of these things, I have to repeat my mantra daily, to remind myself to forgive myself because finding love for myself is one of the things I need to heal.

Second, I was really mad at God.  Like, extremely. I asked so many times, God, why did you do this to Trey; why did you do this to me?  I distinctly remember one point where I was at a low and I wailed it out loud. I didn’t understand how God could do this to people who tried so hard to live good lives, respecting their fellow citizens and trying to make the world a better place. How could this happen to us?? And, I heard from many well-meaning people this was just God’s plan for me. I didn’t understand why God would make me, or Trey, suffer like this. It made no sense to me; that sentiment seemed even more senseless than Trey’s already senseless death.  So, about a month after Trey passed I went in and spoke with my priest, Father Chuck. I was very open with him about my anger and frustration with God, and how I didn’t understand why God would do this to me or Trey, or why this would be “God’s plan” for us. He responded that it was very dangerous to believe that God had already pre-ordained our path in that vein, or that God would intentionally cause us pain and suffering.  He reiterated that we have free will for a reason, and that it would be up to me to determine, through prayers and guidance from God, my path forward. These are things I knew, but had lost sight of in my grief, and hearing them again allowed me to quickly forgive God and open my heart back to him so that I can fully be open to the messages I need to move forward. Father Chuck also reiterated how important forgiveness would be on my path to healing.

The last person I am working to forgive is Trey.  It is completely normal to be angry at the deceased person, no matter the circumstances, and in this case, I have been so angry for all of the things I have lost because of his death that were completely out of my control.  I lost him - his physical presence that was “home” for me, his mental presence that was my sounding board, challenge, and teacher for the past 5+ years, and his emotional presence that was my other half. I also lost my chance, at least for now, to be a mother.  I was not sure that I wanted kids before meeting Trey, but once we were together I knew I wanted a family with him. I also, temporarily, lost my home, my safe space, my stability. I know that this is temporary, and have to keep reminding myself of this, and am so lucky to have so many wonderful friends to offer places to stay, but to not be in my own home feels unsettling on top of everything else.

So, yes, I am angry at Trey.  Angry that I am the one left here, dealing with all of this loss, picking up all of the pieces, spending hours of my week attending counseling and support groups, and going to yoga and meditation and church, and spending hours praying and reading and crying so that I can heal and recover from something I had no control over and no say in.  But, I have also found compassion and empathy for Trey, for clearly he lost so much more; he cannot work through any of this, he can’t “put the house back together”, he will never get to be a dad. He did not mean for any of this to happen, he did not want to die, this was all a terrible accident.  So, although I have not yet found the strength to fully forgive Trey, I am committed to continue working through loving kindness, compassion, and empathy to find that absolute forgiveness. For that is the only path to true healing, and, in honor of Trey, I will heal from this loss, even if it remains a part of me and my story for the rest of my life.  And, through forgiveness and healing, my story can be one of love and joy, not bitterness and resentment.  Peace and love, in honor of Trey.