Bring it On, 2020
The end of a year is naturally a cause for reflection; the end of a decade undoubtedly feels like something even bigger.
As I look back on the past year, it has had some of my lowest lows, but also some pretty damn good highs. I’m sure you’re thinking “how could anything in 2019 possibly compare to the lows felt in 2018, the year you lost Trey?”. Well, let me explain something to you that they don’t tell you at first; the emotion may be delayed. With the loss of someone you love - especially an unexpected, traumatic loss - you will be in a grief fog that acts as a protective mechanism for some period of time. This period of time differs from person to person, but may last days, weeks, months, or even years.
While I began to emerge from this fog in late 2018, it didn’t really dissipate until early 2019, and that is when all of the feelings happened. I have never felt more alone, more in despair, or more depressed. I know I have written about this before, but it was truly debilitating, to the point where I had to admit to myself that the only way through the depression and anxiety was to cut out the distraction of work - which was becoming impossible anyway - and take the time to feel and heal.
Without that time, without listening to myself and allowing myself the time and space necessary to process all of the feelings I was going through, I’m not sure where I’d be today. I can say with almost 100% certainty I would not still have my job, either because I would’ve been fired or had to quit due to the inability to perform and overwhelming anxiety I had at attempting to perform what previously had been the simplest of functions.
During that time, I was able to achieve two of my highs for 2019; completing my first half Ironman and finding myself again during a yoga and meditation retreat in Costa Rica. Training for the half Ironman after Trey’s death is what continued to give me purpose in a life which seemed to no longer have one, while at the same time providing much needed endorphins and community. Competing in the race was one of the hardest yet exhilarating experiences of my life; it truly felt like an out of body experience, and I felt Trey’s presence throughout the course. I have signed up for two more half-Ironman races in 2020 and I hope that both the training and the race themselves continue to provide for me. As for the yoga and meditation retreat; I walked in the first day feeling so broken, barely able to speak my story without breaking down into tears. I left at the end of the week a different person, carrying myself stronger and finding myself and my direction untethered from my role as wife and widow in the process. It was truly liberating.
But, I suffered another loss this year. My beloved companion of almost 14 years was diagnosed with kidney failure in May, and despite trying every treatment, he passed away on what would have been mine and Trey’s 4th anniversary this past September. This provided me with a gut-punch I was wholly unprepared for, despite my journey in grief. My house felt even more empty and I was left to fend for myself; my role of caregiver that I had been asserting myself in for so long had been fully stripped from me, with no one left to care for but myself.
However, as we move to the end of the year, the time I have spent caring for myself is beginning to payoff; I am starting to reap its rewards. My relationships with others feel more authentic than they ever have before, and life feels so much more rich because of this. I recently adopted a sweet stray yorkie mix, Astro, for whom I can give time and attention to; he definitely has enough energy to fill the once empty house. I returned to my work re-energized after my leave of absence, and that has paid off with a promotion as I enter the new year. I have hope again.
It is bittersweet, of course. As I approach the clock striking midnight on a new year, a new decade without Trey, I mourn all of the things we will never experience together in the coming decade. The 2010’s were monumental for me; I was out in the “real-world” again, post-MBA, I met Trey and we fell in love, got engaged, got married. We bought a house together and planned for a future that included becoming a mom. I became an aunt to 5 amazing nieces and a nephew whose smile reminds me so much of Trey. I learned what the “tech world” was all about. I joined start-ups and we were acquired (multiple times). I traveled all over the world and finally earned Platinum status! I finished my first half-marathon, then my first triathlon, then my first half-Ironman. I lost my husband, my best friend, my love, and came to know grief better than anyone my age ever should.
But as I approach a new decade, I am filled with a new energy, one that tells me that I am deserving of happiness and hope for a full life not just despite what happened, but because of it. Because it has made me a stronger, more empathetic, more authentic person. And that is something to be grateful for and to be excited about what possibilities the future may hold. Whatever 2020 has in store for me, I am ready, and whatever it has in store for you, I am proof that you are stronger and more resilient than you ever thought possible.
Happy New Year!
